Process Fear & Sadness
Season 1. Episode 5.
In this episode, we are talking with my friend Raven, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, about the topic of processing fear and sadness. Raven is one of those friends that can get deep and these kind of friends are such a gift. While she hasn’t walked the road of infertility, she has walked through some hard stuff and has had to wait on God. So I love that she brings a personal level of understanding to the emotions that waiting can bring.
Fear vs. Anxiety
Emotions, in general, are information via signals within our bodies that are often closely related to sensations, thoughts or behaviors.
Fear is a physiological response to something happening to us or around us that alerts us to a perceived danger. All emotions are adaptive as a means to alert our brains of what “next steps” to take. One of the most powerful things we can realize is that we were given emotion, including fear anxiety and even anger, for a reason.
Anxiety is more specific than fear. It is an emotion characterized by racing or intrusive thoughts, muscle tension, increased heart rate, difficulty sleeping or focusing- restlessness. In my experience, anxiety results from ignoring or being unable to attend to, some fear or situation. The friction created by an unmet need whether that is for safety, comfort, or change.
Practical ways to process fear & anxiety:
First step is to regulate. Nothing else.
Remind yourself that you are safe.
It’s important to note that these steps have nothing to do with getting rid of fear. God gave us fear, even anxiety. We are just unable to use it in the way it is intended when we are flooded with emotions. Then, once you are regulated, can you identify your need? Simmer it down to that moment’s need: comfort, safety, care.
Sadness & Depression
Sadness is a signal that we are worn down and can manifest in these bodily signs: tears, a “weight,” general slowing.
Depression has a very specific definition. (1) Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day. (2) Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. (3) Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. (4) A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down). (5) Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. (6) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. (7) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. (8) Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide. To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition.
Depression is not just sadness multiplied. Depression is related to duration, bodily impact, and effect on day to day living and relationships.
Strategies for both acknowledging and battling fear/ sadness:
Familiarize yourself with your body’s way of letting you know that you need something.
Get curious instead of panicking.
Seek out a counselor, mentor, or support group.
“I want to close by acknowledging the fact that the choices that are necessary to be able to resist the pull of anxiety or depression are so hard, especially in cases of loss or grief or hope deferred. The first ones require us to put off our long term desires when those desires can seem like the only cure. This work is hard, so begin by giving yourself some grace. It may seem trite, but I mean it with every bit of my professional and human hearts. Give yourself love. Without that, you likely can’t even begin look at the places where your depression or anxiety are getting in the way.
Whether you have found yourself acting like someone you’d never thought you would be, whether you have resorted to ways of coping that were not helpful or even harmful to you or those you love, or even whether you are too tired right now to take the next step, give yourself grace.
Then, you can take a couple deep breaths until you can take a couple more. Get curious about what your emotions are telling you that you need, rather than beating yourself up for them or doing everything in your power to drown them out. Once you have identified your need, take whatever step forward you can take - whether that is feedback from your family or friends, accountability to engage in some different behavior or to let go of some relationship or habit, assistance to make a plan out of a difficult situation, or actual help to take next steps. If you are stuck, reach out. A quick google search or a site such as psychology today will show you how to get connected with a host of therapists, counselors, and psychologists that are there to help you if the most that you can do is make a call. And, if you have trouble getting connected at first, please do not give up. Ask the person you do get connected with for help to find someone who is a good fit.” - Raven Pyle
Links:
Ad: Give Grace Book