Wow, I’m so glad you’re here. Just the fact that you’re reading this means you love your friend a whole lot.

I know this situation feels heavy, and you just wish you could take away her pain. You aren’t sure what to say or do but you want to help. 

Trust me when I say that caring enough to try is the best place to start. My biggest encouragement is to say something or do something. And keep saying something and doing something. Even when it’s awkward and uncomfortable. Because the truth is, this whole situation is awkward and uncomfortable for her too, and she needs people who love her to help her get through it.

There’s no perfect way to help, and everyone is different. But I’ve pulled together these resources with the input of other friends who’ve walked this road, and I hope this will help you feel more confident in what to say or do.

And, sister, just know that even if you say or do the wrong thing (because there will be times that you do) it’s always better to try. It can feel confusing and hard, but don’t let that be an excuse to not love on your friend during such a hard season of her life. 

As someone who knows what it’s like to face infertility, I want to help you be the friend you want to be in this season, but may not know how.

You can do this!

1. Just be there. As much as I know you want to, you cannot fix this for her. Infertility can be a long road or a short one, and being faithful to show up for her in the good times and the hard times shows how much you truly care.

2. Listen more than you talk. She isn’t looking for advice. You don’t have to understand because if you haven’t been there, then you just can’t. Simply listen and be a safe place for her to vent, share frustrations, cry over any hard news, and celebrate the joys along the way.

3. Ask her how you can love her best. Everyone is different. The best way you can love your friend is to ask her. “How can I encourage you through this?” “What would be helpful for you right now?” “What do you need most?”

4. Acknowledge that this is some really hard stuff. Validate her feelings. Tell her that what she’s walking through is hard. Acknowledge that it flat-out sucks. And tell her you’re sorry she has to walk through this. While this may feel like you’re being negative, it’s actually helping to validate what she’s feeling and letting her know it's ok to feel that way. 

5. Be thoughtful with your words. It’s such a balance of wanting to encourage your friend while not giving false hope or making her feel like her pain isn’t valid. 

Saying things like, “It’s going to happen when you least expect it!” or “Everything happens for a reason” can be more hurtful than helpful.

If you want to offer Biblical encouragement, just make sure it’s Scripturally accurate. God never intended for infertility, sickness, suffering and death to be part of our reality, but sin entered the world. Thankfully God is in the business of taking our broken pieces and making something beautiful out of them, whether on this side of eternity or the other. He is always working to redeem, restore, renew. 

So instead of coming at her with comments that sound judgmental, recognize her heartbreak. Understand that as of right now, the answer has been “no” or “wait” for her. Encourage her. Let her know how much you love her and that you are in this battle with her.

6. Be a safe place for her to cry. Sometimes she will simply need to cry or vent about the situation. That is totally ok. Be a safe place for her to do that without offering suggestions to fix things. It’s healthy to get those emotions out.

7. Pray for her. If you tell her you will pray, then pray sincerely and often. I believe wholeheartedly in the power of prayer, and it’s one of the most meaningful things you can do.

8. Mark important dates in your calendar and check in. I really appreciated it when my friends asked when big days were in my fertility journey and followed along almost more closely than me! By knowing when these times are and offering prayers, Scripture or just a word of encouragement can do wonders to make her feel supported. 

9. Try to learn about what she’s walking through. Just as it is with the hard things you’ve gone through, there are some hurts only people who have walked a similar road can understand. But any effort you make to try to understand helps. Do some research and talk to others that have walked the road. Take some time and make some effort to learn the terminology so that you can get on her level and help her not feel so alone.

10. Ask questions, but be ok if she doesn’t want to talk about it. There will be times she gives you a full explanation. And then there will be times she gives you one-word answers. Keep asking questions to show you care, and be ok with whatever response she gives you.

11. Give a gift or thoughtful gesture. It’s not really about what it is, it’s the thought behind it. From bringing her a meal, putting fresh flowers on her porch, surprising her with her favorite treat, dropping off a fun magazine, or helping her with to do’s around her house, any simple gesture to show you love her and care for her will make a difference. 

12. Offer to take things off her plate to help ease the stress. Some people will let you help. Some people won’t. Just ask. If she says no, keep offering periodically. Just knowing you’re there will mean something, and if and when she does let you help, it will make a really difficult situation a little easier.